…Don’t Ask Anymore

Is the answer to the question: “Where am I going to?” We’ll ignore the fact that that question is grammatically incorrect and skip to the sentiment behind it, because that’s basically how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m tired of wondering what’s going to happen to me next, trying to plan on one thing and then getting the carpet pulled from under me…or getting it pushed under me, which is just as destabilizing. I’m assuming that “Don’t ask anymore” simply means that I need to take matters into my own hands and control my destiny. I WOULD ask myself “Well, self, how in the world do I do that? I have no idea where I’m going! To where AM I going? (because of course I would be grammatically correct, unlike SOME musical composers…eh-ehm, Tim Rice!)” but it would be a pointless question because then, of course, self would answer “Don’t ask anymore!” as that is the answer that echoes somewhere in the dark corners of my mind. I suppose it’s not a bad answer to have ricocheting around in there…better than “Eat more Cheetoes” or some such thing.

I actually have no good reason to feel grumpy or anything like that. I’ve not been to work since Friday (a real feat for me, because it appears I’ve become somewhat of a workaholic), and I’ve gotten to spend more time with The Boy, and I’m super skinny — which while it annoys me to see my ribs staring back at me in my roommate’s full length mirror (because my room sadly lacks one) means that from a medical standpoint, I must be doing better. Although, I’ve noted that the “healthier” I get, the less healthy I look. However, I should stop complaining for 3 reasons.

1) I appear to be getting better, because I’m less, as Krissy would say it, “swolley” (Which, by the way, I ran into to Old Roomie, aka Krissy, and Jenn at the IHOP when The Boy and I went for breakfast Sunday morning. Hooray for Krissy!). I can pass two out of three of the morning “tests” I conduct for myself. For some reason, I continuously fail the cheek-flicking test in which I gently flick my cheeks (the ones on my FACE) to see how jiggly they’ve become overnight. See, the edema associated with the membranous moves due to gravity. When I stand for a long time, my ankles swell. When I lay for a long time, my cheeks flood — that is unless I have no edema to speak of. In the mornings, I also test how flexible my knees are — because if my knees and legs are still swollen in the morning, that must mean that I have alot of edema, and because its fun to think that I can stand up and hold my foot to my butt when, just in January, I couldn’t even bend my knees to sit down in my car. I had to push the seat waaay back in order to drive. Let’s not discuss bending my ankles… The final test is making grabbing motions with my hands, in order to see how my fingers and knuckles feel because I’ve found that I can feel the restriction better than I can actually see it. If I had a scale and a blood pressure cuff (like I should…my doctor would be highly upset with me) that would probably be tests four and five, but alas, I don’t have either of those.

2) This medicine, CellCept is much better than the other medicine, cylosporin, at least for me. Not just because it’s effective, but mainly because it doesn’t make me feel more ill. I can eat, drink, do whatever I want without worrying about the side effects of this medication. Or perhaps that’s the nexium helping out. Or perhaps I’m still feeling the effects of the Rituxan treatment. Either way, I’m incredibly happy when my tummy is happy, and lately, my tummy has been very happy.

3) I have a wonderful, wonderful life — full of friends and family that care about my health and happiness. Although I may stress about one person in particular, you know, I really don’t have to say who, I must keep in mind that there are people surrounding me that I’m not confused about their relationship to me in anyway.

So I think I’ll decide to be happy now (oh, I wish it were that easy).
And I’ll fun and Janzie’s July bash…
Yay for bashes. 🙂


About alburnet

New mom, new natural, and..for the last year...still a new teacher!

Posted on July 4, 2005, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. sup ho!
    happy fourth. I added you. Rock on!! See you soon, I’m sure I’ll come harass you, meredila, and ella sometime this week.

  2. yes, i’ve discovered that romance is intrinsically confusing, relationships & crushes even more frustratingly so. c’est la vie.
    i think you know who this is too. i know who you are. 🙂

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