Dazed and Confused…
In interesting news the Saturday N&O reports that a man ended up spending the night in jail for having his cell phone on in court. It seems a really extreme punishment, being charged with criminal contempt for having a loud song blair out on your cell phone, especially when the superior court judge admits that his own cell phone went off during his first few weeks of court. Could it be that it was because the guy was Mexican? The poor dude had to ask an interpreter to explain to his mother why he was being carted off to jail. Of course, they insist that the bailiff made several annoucements to turn cell phones off. Perhaps this will be the next protest issue…
Anyway…I had a good weekend…for the most part. My ankles were a little swollen yesterday, again, probably due to the fact that I haven’t always been able to take my meds right on time…ugh. Also, it could be that my stomach hasn’t been the best, could it have been the California Pizza Kitchen’s yummy Shrimp Scampi Pizza that did it?
I had a great time, going to see Fantastic Four on Friday, and then going to see A Guy’s Tale (which should be called A Straight-White-College Guy’s Tale by the way) on Saturday. I saw loads of friends over the weekend, just by chance. starwidget1, Mac, Michael,Eileen, Michelle from work, people I know where just popping up all over the place! I must note that many of the complaints that the main character from A Guy’s Tale had were about a certain type of girl, a mold which I mostly do not fit. I was informed by The Boy that I am an exception to the rule, a comment which bothered me a bit — the idea that there is a rule about the way girls should/do act. Perhaps I should have informed him that he was not a total butt-hole and that this was an exception to the rule (although, I don’t think that all guys are butt-holes in anyway). By the way, Million Dollar Baby is a sad sad good good movie and it made me cry, alot.
I thought I had things cleared up with Patches, aka qbrain007 but apparently, no. I thought that perhaps we had reached a place in our relationship where we both understood the other person, but I was mistaken. When his response to most of my requests of him is “Why should I, we’re not dating?” I did not think that meant that I needed to tell him everything about where I was going or who I was with. However, this morning, I receive a phone call, about 9:00am, asking me about my night out on Saturday, and who I was with (The Boy) and what had gone on…and was promptly dismissed when I said “I don’t think that’s really any of your business…” Honestly, I didn’t want to say it that way, but I knew no other way to tell him how I felt. I told him that I loved him, and he said “Yeah, right, anything else?” Then he hung up. So I’m taking this to mean that I should just step-off. I mean, I don’t want to, I don’t ever want to close the door on anything…but alas, I think the message came through quite loudly that he no longer cares for me. I don’t know how I feel about that yet. This morning I felt tearful, and bad, as though I had somehow done something wrong. Now, after coming back from work, I’m not really sure how I feel.
I wish that I had thought of all this at 9:00am, about how I felt confused about where we stood with one another. But, I never know what to say at the moment, words always seem to fail me! And then, 10 or 20 minutes later, I replay the conversation in my head and think about all the things I should have said or could have said if I had had the smarts.
Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present…
Oh, the abominable T. S. Eliot is so right! after the conversation is ended, the moment is over, and I didn’t have the smarts, and the things that should have or could have been said are not. I have to sit around in time present and speculate about how things might have been different if I had taken the other path. Also, there are those moments when I’m sitting in my room imagining how I’m going to tell someone something, or what I’m going to say to them, and then I see that person and words fail me. Suddenly, I don’t know how to speak my mind — or maybe I lose my mind and there really is nothing there to speak…or even worse, I sit there telling my self to just say IT…just SAY what you’re thinking. Be open, be honest, spit it out! And I can’t bring myself to do it. And once again, the things that should have or could have been said are not, and once again, I sit down later, listening to Damien Rice or Iron & Wine and lament the chances I lost.
*sigh* Tomorrow will be better because Nerd Camp starts up once again!
Oh the excitement! The fresh faces! The smell of Elmer’s School Glue wasted on someone’s chair, the sight of little five-year-old hands covered in pink magic marker, the sound of people learning…oh how it excites me!