So, I had two horrible dreams that I had the baby, delivered it, and did not document the process along the way. I didn’t write about it, I didn’t take pictures (our camera was broken), and after the baby was here I couldn’t even fully remember the birth – which only The Boy and I (and some doctors) attended. It was a horrible dream.
I intend to rectify the situation now.
Not with pictures of me…our camera actually is broken, but simply with documentation of what’s going on right now. I’m thinking of writing a letter to the baby – however, given how I’m feeling right now, the baby (Old Bean), might not appreciate having such a letter written.
Yeah. That would be a horrible thing to read on your 18th. "Dear Bean…you make me sick…I’m not even sure I like you yet. Really." Because, in actuality, as I near the close of the first trimester, Old Bean has been making me sick. Granted, weeks 10-12 were the worst of the entire pregnancy. Although, the statement about not liking Bean yet…well that’s not quite true. Not after I got to my first ultrasound, and the little peanut shaped thing had a heartbeat. A visible heartbeat. I was shocked that at nine weeks not only could I see the ultrasound and tell that it was a human bean (or "being"), but that it also had a heartbeat. A real beating heart. Pumping blood. Miraculous. And at the second ultrasound (after my first doctor’s bounced me because they don’t deal with high-risk patients…) at the hospital, my heart melted to see little arms and little legs sticking up.
Everyone asks me if I’m excited. "Well…*barf*…maybe?" Is my most honest answer. Because honestly, I like my life as it is. I like living with my hubs. I like going to sleep at 9. I like traveling when I feel like it. I like going to the beach and hanging with my friends and sitting in hot tubs until
three am (Oh, let’s be honest, Licia…you can’t stay up that late) eleven pm. Not only that, but honesty, I’m scared out of my mind! I’ve never done this before, my body is freaking out, and I’m worried that I won’t be ready in time – for any of it! Moreover, not having felt a kick or actually heard the baby’s heartbeat, I can only have faith that going through all of this is going to lead to a bundle of joy. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not dreading this baby, I’m not angry that I’m pregnant, and I’m not resentful – I’m just not sure how I feel yet. I mean, definitely happy and nervous and excited, but also scared and anxious and occasionally, when I want to drink a beer and can’t, a little miffed. :-p
And now, I need to get off the compy and into some clothes, it’s time for the North Carolina Comic Con! Let’s go set up some booths and get selling some comics!
Oh, and PS, the dreads, which I have ceased taking monthly pictures of, are now 17 months old.